Doing what you want when you want

When you're single, you get to do whatever you want, whenever you want....within the law, of course!  I hate asking for permission to do things and to me that's what a relationship feels like.  "Honey how do you feel about painting the living room walls green?"  "What do you think of throwing away all of the bathroom stuff and buying new stuff?"  Ugh....  Some people view these scenarios as discussing daily life with their spouse or partner but to me it reminds me of asking my parents permission to sleep over at a friend's house when I was growing up.

My sister's are always telling me things they want to change in their houses but that their husband's won't "let" them.  My customers are sometimes careful about how much money they spend because their wives won't "let" them spend too much.  I just want to shout at them "You're a grown up and work for a living so you can do these things if you want to!"

Some people have told me that it's not asking permission, that it's taking the other person's feelings about things into account before you do things.  I don't have time for that and that's probably why I am single!!

This tax year, I spent money on things I wanted, bills I had to pay that were late and on making my home environment better.  All without asking permission to do so!!  It felt pretty great!!

I like having the freedom to decorate how I want to, spend money the way I want to, and do whatever else I feel like doing.  The only people's feelings I take into consideration are my kids' and I don't ask their permission.... I tell them what I'm doing and unless they cry about it, I go ahead and do it!

Let's talk about college costs

Once your kid(s) get into high school, you inevitably start thinking about their future as college students and with that comes the thought of how am I going to afford tuition?  You might also have the thought of how to approach your ex about helping out with those costs. I did just that tonight because my oldest is wanting to attend a technical school her junior year, which is this August, and I decided to talk to my ex about him helping me pay for it.  It went like this:

Me: So (kid's name) is wanting to attend that online technical school and the program is $1299.  The monthly payment is $70 and I know we haven't talked about college, but we need to.

Him:  Well, we have three years until (kid) graduates high school and besides, I am broke until your car is paid off.

Me: No, we have until August when I enroll her.

Him: Well, I am broke and can't even go visit my family.

Me: Ok, well I have a deal for you; I will pay for (kid's) college because it isn't that much if you'll split (2nd kid's) college tuition with me in five years.

Him: I can't commit to anything that is happening five years from now.

Me: Fine...

After we hung up, I was thinking about our conversation and here is what I concluded:  Don't parents contemplate a future college cost when a kid is born?  Or is it just me?  I thought that once you brought a kid into this world that you knew you'd  have to pay for things in his or her life....  Maybe it's just me.  Sigh...I guess I get to figure it out on my own just like I have done every other aspect of their lives.

Talking to your ex

How often do you talk to or text with your ex?  Mine seems to call me 4 or 5 times a week and it isn't always about our kids, either.  He acts like we're still married and it bothers me a little, but I don't say anything to him because I don't want to start an argument or have him be irritated with me.  I mean, we still have to talk because of our 2 kids and I don't want that to be overshadowed by the fact that he thinks I am rude because I won't let him call me or text me about his day, his job or just random frustrations.

I think that you should talk to your ex only about your joint kids, but as I already wrote above, I let anything go.  You should allow whatever communication that you feel comfortable with and just go about your life.

I think it will be easier for me to tell him to back off once he is visiting my kids at a hotel or at his own place if he ever moves into one.  That way I won't see him once a month at my house, so there will be less chance of an awkward encounter.

For now I am making dinner and then going to bed.  I work at 4:30 am tomorrow.

Night!!

It felt like someone had died

When I left the courthouse with my final divorce decree, I felt like someone had just died.  I fact, something had officially been killed and that was my marriage.  I never expected to be sad because I had wanted a divorce for quite awhile before it was finalized on March 30, 2015.

I was so tired of not being happy to see my husband when he was home from the road.  Even hugging him hello felt like a chore because I knew I wasn't happy anymore.  I looked forward to when he was leaving again for the road, even before I picked him up from the truck yard for his visits with us.

After we were divorced and even now, I let him visit our two kids at my house.  Mostly because he's still paying for my car and for his now, too.  It is so weird to me when he is here at my house because being around him reminds me of our failed marriage.  I hate feeling like a failure and being around him makes me feel like one.  We got married really young, I was 20 and he had just turned 26 when we got married.  We have two great kids, so I don't regret marrying him.

People have told me that the first five years of a marriage are the hardest, but for us they were the best years of our marriage.  Right before we hit our five year anniversary, he walked out on me and I lost a lot of love and respect for him.  Now looking back, I'm not sure if I ever gave it all back to him after that.  We eventually got back together, but something inside of me died the day he walked out on me.  I would have preferred it if he had stuck around and talked to me about why he was unhappy, but he chose to leave instead.  I was heart broken and I am not sure I ever stopped being heart broken.