When I left the courthouse with my final divorce decree, I felt like someone had just died. I fact, something had officially been killed and that was my marriage. I never expected to be sad because I had wanted a divorce for quite awhile before it was finalized on March 30, 2015.
I was so tired of not being happy to see my husband when he was home from the road. Even hugging him hello felt like a chore because I knew I wasn't happy anymore. I looked forward to when he was leaving again for the road, even before I picked him up from the truck yard for his visits with us.
After we were divorced and even now, I let him visit our two kids at my house. Mostly because he's still paying for my car and for his now, too. It is so weird to me when he is here at my house because being around him reminds me of our failed marriage. I hate feeling like a failure and being around him makes me feel like one. We got married really young, I was 20 and he had just turned 26 when we got married. We have two great kids, so I don't regret marrying him.
People have told me that the first five years of a marriage are the hardest, but for us they were the best years of our marriage. Right before we hit our five year anniversary, he walked out on me and I lost a lot of love and respect for him. Now looking back, I'm not sure if I ever gave it all back to him after that. We eventually got back together, but something inside of me died the day he walked out on me. I would have preferred it if he had stuck around and talked to me about why he was unhappy, but he chose to leave instead. I was heart broken and I am not sure I ever stopped being heart broken.
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